To Be
by WizardWay
Summary: Remus Lupin contemplates suicide, only to be stopped by the most unlikely force. Written for the To Be or Not To Be Challenge on HPFC.


The blade sat there on the table. Taunting him.

_Come on, Remus, just one little mark on your wrist. You'll barely feel it._

_Yes I will, _Remus's rational side argued back as he sat there, staring at the blade that sat upon Professor Dumbledore's desk.

_But you want to feel it, too, _the voice argued back. _Your pain will set you free….Dying is the only thing that can help you now._

Remus would have cried with the effort it took to restrain himself from taking the blade and slicing himself right that instant.

_James and Lily died last night, _the voice whispered again. _So did Peter. Sirius killed Peter – You are all alone in the world. But death…In death, you will be with them again._

_Dumbledore, _Remus's brain won out again. _Dumbledore cares for me. And McGonagall…my parents…_

_But they aren't your friends, _the voice said. _They care about you, but they cannot replace friendship. And full moons? You've lost your protection._

_Shut up, _Remus told the voice furiously.

But this voice in his mind, this dark and evil part of him, telling him things that he didn't want to hear, had a point.

His life was over. James, Lily, and Peter were dead. Sirius had betrayed them all. There really was nothing left to live for.

Remus stood up, fingers skirting the edge of the desk. It could all be over. All over in an instant. All he needed to do was go through just a bit of pain first, and everything would be gone.

And he could see his friends again.

"Taking the easy way out, I see?" A snide voice came from the doorway. Remus knew that voice…He whirled around to see his old school enemy, Severus Snape, leaning against the doorframe. Instinctively, he clutched his wand tighter.

"Severus," Remus said in a clipped voice conveying none of the emotions he had been feeling only moments ago. It would do no good to show weaknesses, especially to his enemies. "What are you doing here?"

"I suppose I could ask you the same question," Snape answer, giving him a long look. "But I think it is for the same reason as me. Lily's death."

"And James's," Remus corrected automatically.

"And Potters," Snape drawled. "And I suppose Pettigrew's as well. And, of course," An evil glint formed in his eye. "Black."

"Don't speak of him," Remus said, clutching his wand even tighter. Snape had a grudge against Sirius…Black…and all knew it.

"I suppose he's what tipped you ever the edge?" Snape nodded at the blade that was still only an inch or so from Remus's fingertips. "Couldn't deal with his betrayal?"

"It's not a betrayal for you," Remus spat out. "He joined _your _side."

Snape gave him an odd look. "Not exactly," he said.

There was a deafening silence in which the pair simply stared at one another. Again, Remus felt the overwhelming urge to take the blade in his hand, to kill himself. His fingers unconsciously moved toward the weapon. Snape noticed this immediately.

"Going to kill yourself, Lupin?" Snape drawled, a smirk playing on his features.

"No," Remus said, snapping his arms to his side defensively.

"You're lying."

Silence. Then… "Well, maybe."

"Contemplating it, I see," Snape gave Remus a sort of triumphant smirk. "Wondering whether it's worth it. To be or not to be – That is the question."

"Why do you even care?" Remus couldn't help from biting out.

"I don't," Snape said, taking his wand out of his pocket for the first time, spinning it around idly in his thin fingers. "But it's a waste."

"What do you mean?"

Snape shrugged. "Death doesn't solve all of your problems."

"How would you know?" Remus spat at him. "_You've _never died."

"True," Snape drawled. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm not going to wait for Dumbledore to arrive any longer."

Snape retreated out the door, disappearing into the shadows in which he was so accustomed to.

Remus sighed, taking a seat again, and ran his hands through his already greying hair, staring at the blade.

_No, _Remus told himself, told the dark voice inside him that wanted his own death so badly. _I'm going to keep going – I'm going to stay strong._


End file.
